Thursday, December 23, 2010

~Inner Fears~

Get me alone-- all I do is think.
Part of this might be from me PMSing, ugggghhhh, perfect timing mother nature! Part of this is just venting.
I think sometimes its easier for me to figure things out when I write them out.

I really am happy I have made the decision I have for Sterling and I. But holy crap, it is so hard! I'm picking up my life, giving up my home sweet home, and moving to a new place. Thank goodness its with an awesome friend- Jill... She just bought this amazing new home with her boyfriend (who is in Indonesia for four months, then home for one, back for four... and so on). So, Ill be paying her rent, and sterling and I will be sharing a room. I think this will be the best way for him to adjust.

Mike and I will be splitting up days. THIS KILLS ME. I feel like I never see my baby boy as it is. Now I have to drive from Lowell to Springdale to take sterling to daycare (its free so I'm not switching daycares!) and then to work in Rogers, then leave work at 130 to pick sterling up in Springdale by 2 (when the daycare closes), take him to his daddy, go back to work until either 5 or 9 pm, then go back to Springdale- pick Sterling up, and go to the house in Lowell. By the time I get home (on the nights I get off at 5) it will be so late, ill only be able to feed him and bathe time, say night night and prayers... and that's it.
Its a day of running around for me... Things are so hard for me, so convenient for him, yet He is the one who has made the mistakes. I will only see Sterling every other weekend- Which I'm doing for Sterling, not Mike. I'm trying to make this easy for our sweet child. *tears*

Next- Coming to terms that I have failed my marriage. I have to learn to forgive myself for things I couldn't get right, and learn to move on. Mike and I are currently living together for the holidays, to give sterling the best Christmas possible- and its horrible. We are barely speaking. I want to cry all the time. and poor sterling. Half the time I feel like a bad mom for working so much... then a bad wife for not helping more. If I don't work, we wont make money, when i work, I cant clean and be home more. No happy medium in our home. I just couldn't make him happy. That's the killer. It kills me to the core because I tried so hard. But at least I tried.

I'm terrified of change. Please pray for me. I'm having a really difficult time. I'm trying to do whats best for me, and what is best for sterling... but I'm so scared of screwing up or losing my child.

All I ask for is Prayer.
Thanks ;)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A year of Growing

As this year comes to an end, I cant help but think about how it has gone, and how much we have all grown.

I personally feel like I have become more "Me" than ever. I am strong in my shoes, know what I want out of life, and I'm a damn good momma!

I look at my son and I think-- Did he really grow this fast? Where has the time gone? But he is just the most sweetest, loving, funny little handful I could've ever asked for.

This is the time to remember why we are all here. To be thankful for our families and friends. Christ was brought into the world so many years ago on Christmas day... and if he could look at the world now what do you think he would say? I personally strive to make him proud. I haven't been the best person, or wife that I know i could be, but i can say with confidence that I lived every day for him this year. I just ask that as you read this, take a moment and look at your life. Thank God for what you have. Sometimes the things that seem so big and overwhelming really are so small.

A lady at Hope Community church, in Springfield, Missouri told me something that has stuck with me. Especially now with my upcoming hard months:
She said "Honey, why do you worry? God has a BIGGER plan than you will ever know. Lay it all down to him. Stop worrying, and let him do his work. Just LAY IT ALL DOWN."
This was said to me from a lady I barely knew... My husband was going through treatment at the time for alcohol abuse, Sterling and I had no home- we were living house to house with friends... I had no idea what my future held or why I was even put in this position with a new born child. She had no idea what I was going through. At that moment in time I was scraping by, wondering how I was going to feed my child if I ran out of food stamps... or how I was going to buy diapers If i had no money. She didn't know-- but looked at me, said those words, and handed me $40.00. The next week at my woman's church group, all the girls had pitched in and bought diapers, wipes, food, clothes, and money. As I finally laid it all down, God took care of me. Those words spoke to me.... as I hope this story speaks to you.  
Ever since then, I have worried less, and trusted more.
If I could wish anything for all of my family and friends it is for you all to do the same.

I wish you all the most Merry Christmas ever... and please remember why we celebrate this day!
Happy Birthday Jesus!
And of course-- a Blessed new year, happy beginnings and heartfelt endings.

God Bless,

~Book Review for Then Sings My Soul~

I have had the awesome opportunity to read and enjoy this book. If you are a music lover, and a person who appreciates singing the word of God, I highly recommend this book!

To start of, the book is very well organised. It is a composition of songs, perfect for someone who sings gospel, plays piano or any other form of music- followed by a page of details about the history of the song. Have you ever thought about that? Where did this song come from? Who wrote it? Why did they write it? What does this song really mean? When was it written? This book helps you answer all of those questions.

I am personally a music buff... and I love singing praise and lifting up his name! With the holiday seasons that are approaching, I actually gave this book as a gift to a fellow Christian/ Music lover. Not only is it a great book for yourself, but I wanted to share it!

From now on when I sing these songs I will have a grater appreciation for them. I can tell a story about them, I can lift up the song and know why it was written, and I can have a greater appreciation for the artist who wrote them.

I'm very pleased with this book and really encourage anyone to read it!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the <> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ummm, BURRRRR!!!

So, Fall has finally come. Last week we were borderline 70's and this week we are in the chilly 50's. I do love fall, but my shivering body is motioning me back to Florida. The beach, the sand, the sun, the smell of sunscreen and the sound of the ocean waves hitting the shore, followed by some guy next to you with dreadlocks playing the guitar.......  and who can forget the VIEW?? Yup, its calling my name. "Molly, Come back." 
Are you with me now???

Don't get me wrong. Fall is one of my favorite times of year. Football, thanksgiving, the beautiful leaves changing color... and did I say football? ;)  Its the cold stuff I don't like. I hate to shiver. Teeth start chattering, and heaven forbid you try to talk when that happens...."What? Molly, stop speaking Spanglish and tell me what you are saying". So frustrating. I have to sleep with thick socks (which, i cant complain about, I love my fuzzy socks) and half the time I'm hovered over my husband like he is a space heater. Poor Guy!

Well, A change in subject. Something a little more personal.
I had horrible cysts on my ovaries at the beginning of this month. Its very frustrating to me seeing that I have had surgery, seen a specialist, and I'm taking a birth control that is supposed to lessen them to where I barely get them EVER. Not quite. I have been getting them every three months. That's 4 times a year in complete pain. Overbearing I cant walk and this is worse than childbirth pain. OUCH! It has really got me thinking of my options. In the moment of pain I get so frustrated and almost every time I yell saying I want a hysterectomy. But do I really want that? noooooooo. I do want another baby. My other options at this point are 1. Have surgery again. I would totally do it if my doctor were up for it. But he is not wanting to do that. or 2. Get on this medicine that will make my ovary's stop working. It makes you temporally infertile. The difference between this and birth control? This gives you no periods (kinda scary, it would be nice to not have the monthly mother nature visit, but not worth it), and there is a risk of permanent infertility.
I'm not wanting to have a baby now... I want to wait like 2 more years. I would love another, but I don't feel I'm in the right place to have one right now. Our family has alot to work on. So, I guess its stick to the sucky plan that I'm on and suffer every 3 months or so.

On a positive note:
Sterling is getting so smart. Talking so much. He surprises us every day. He says words and Mike and I wonder where he learned them from. Not only that, but he is also learning Spanish and Marshalese at school! The other day at school he said Night night in Marshalese! cracks me up how kids pick up on things. I love to watch him learn!

My job is still going well. I just fit right in. Picked everything up in 2 days almost!
It makes me happy to know I'm needed and appreciated for my work! Its been a great change. Next change? New car. It is needed so badly. After taxes come its the 1st thing on our list! AMEN!

Well, That's all for now.
God Bless,

Sunday, November 7, 2010

My Review on "A year with God"

I was Very excited to see this book, as I am an avid reader of Devotionals. I immediately began reading this and was very intrigued by the structure of the book. Everything flows really well, making it easy to read and follow. Every day starts with a Verse of Scripture from the Bible. Then it the Scripture is followed by a lesson of some sort.
I had to read this as a book, not as a daily devotional. Reading it page by page, in a story like way, made it much more difficult to read. I found that If I read it as a daily devotional, it was easier to read and Gods words speak to you more. Reading it this way also shows you how to bring God into your daily life, and the things you do. The book is broken down into many sections... Again, Making it easy for you to reference something if need be. 
  • Hope and Fear;
  • Love and Hate;
  • Faith and Doubt,
  • And Many others!
.As Humans we all experience these above feelings. It was wonderful to have a guided scripture, followed by the lesson, to leave you with something to think about.
I would recommend this book to other fellow Christians. It has Short readings, its organized well, and definitely leaves you with The lord on your mind! It personally made me want to do better. I took the readings and tried to apply it to my daily activities. Don't we all need a little guidance sometimes? And with it starting with Gods word: There is no better person to imitate :)

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the <> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I can breathe

As you know, I started my job this past Monday. I am happy to report that I LOVE IT! I think its the perfect job for me. I'm only working 30 hours a week (meaning more time to be a wife and mommy) with weekends and holidays off! I picked up the job so quickly, and I'm successfully doing tasks without help already in my 1st week. I love the Doctor I work for. He is very nice and soft spoken, and the patients love him. AND the girl I work with, Alicia, is alot like me. Overall, This is GREAT news!

(My first day at my New job!)

Mikes dad is here this weekend. Sterling talks about his papa NON STOP. "papa, papa papa papa papa"
ALL DAY LONG. So, when Papa came yesterday... Holy cow, it was like Christmas to Sterling. So, we are excited to have him here. He leaves Sunday Morning.

(Sterling and His papa)

Also, Trick or Treating time is finally HERE! I have been so excited about taking our little Sea Otter out! I have one problem....I have no idea when the trick or treating is! I'm assuming Sunday, on Halloween... But since its a school night, I'm not sure! So frustrating. I guess if kids come to my door tonight for candy then we will know. Sterling loves his little costume! He puts it on and even has a little otter walk. When gave him the costume he said "oh woooow!" So funny! I cant wait! I love Halloween.

(Our Little Sea Otter)

Sterling broke a fever last Saturday. It lasted for a few hours, then went away. He has two little cold sores in the corners of his mouth now. I'm assuming they are fever blisters, but he is just so small it breaks my heart! I hate it when He hurts... and these hurt! Mike is starting to get sick too... I hope its not a nasty bug. I don't wanna get sick, and since I'm the momma and take care of everyone, I probably will. YUCK!

Well, That's all for now. Ill update tomorrow with Halloween Pictures!

God Bless,

Friday, October 22, 2010


I got the job! I start Monday, and Im so excited!

I got off the phone and screamed. Ive never been so excited about a job before!
Just wanted to share the news with my readers!

God Bless,

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sterling is 18 months!!!

Our little man is 18 months... yes... a year and a half already. Where has the time gone? The thought of him being 2 years old in 6 months is astonishing to me! He is growing so much, getting bigger every day... His vocabulary is expanding. Im kinda copying my friend Julie's blog, but I have made a list of words he has said recently... He is getting there! Im sure this month he will just take off with bigger and bigger words. He still babbles quite a bit, but its getting better every day!

Sterlings 18 month Vocabulary:
Doggie said "Doh-key"
milk said "Mil"
Yum Yum
no no
please said "pease"
thank you said "Tant chu"
oh yes--emphasising the ohhhh
okay-- said "ohhh kay"
stop it!
thats cool said "dats coo"
Oh wow!
sock said "soh"
Quack Quack-- said "kak kak"
whats that-- said "its dat"

So far so good! He's a quick little learner and suprises me more and more!
Sterling is also getting into more of the boy toys. His favorite toys are his Bus, which he pushes all over the house, his rocking horse, blocks, and he loves to read! We arent watching Elmo as much... and he loves loves LOVES going to "school". At school he plays house, pushes his stroller around, reads, and is a little ladies man! His favorite outside toys are his little bike that Grandpa Dennis got him, and his ball. He runs and plays like its his first time outside every time! (I have no idea what we will do during the winter!!)

He has such a vibrant personality... He is so funny, acting goofy by dancing and making funny faces all the time. I love having him with me, its like a little mini me running around, cracking me up every time I turn around.
So, Thats the 18 month update.
Another update: I havent been employed by Springdale Police Department for about 2 weeks now. I didnt really realize how much strain that job put on my body. I would work from 10pm to 6am, come home, sleep for an hour, take sterling to school. Come back at 830, go to sleep by 9am, wake up and go leave to get Sterling by 1:30... I was just drained. physically, emotionally... I got sick all the time. And on top of that my stress levels at that job were insane! I loved my job. I loved helping people. I just couldnt deal with everything else that came with it... people were mean to me. It was worse than high school! Im not one to talk bad about anyone, but that job made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells every day.
Since I havent been there, I feel like Im back to being me. Even after I left I heard some hateful rumors about me. I just decided it was for the best and that I dont need or deserve to work for a company like that. So, now I have come to peace with what happened and I have focused my energy on finding another job.

Last week I had an interview at a psychologist's office. It went so well. The girls that I would work with are great. The Dr. is AMAZING, and the pace is slow, and its a low stress job. God really answered my prayers on this one. I have always, ALWAYS wanted to work in a medical office. So, if I get it its going to be a dream come true. Im so excited! I find out tomorrow but the doctor said that its looking positive for me, so I hope it happens!

Michael is still in school. Doing very well. This is such a big transition for him. I cant imagine what he is going through, I can only be here to support him. You have to think of what a soldier goes through overseas, coming home  and trying to find what your place in life is, then going to school... on top of it all... adjusting to crowds, young kids (mike is 28) who arent on the same level as you, just life in general while trying to still be a dad.... I give him props. Lots of this has caused a strain on the marriage, but now that we have discussed it I know that its not me, its things that I cant understand. Hopefully with some counsiling and more adjusting, Mike can continue to grow and live past his traumatic experiences... and we can grow more.

Julie Rumbaugh is pregnant!
Im so excited for her and I knew this time was coming... I literally just sent her a card telling her not to give up... and that its going to happen for her soon. I cried when she told me. Its something she wanted so badly, and Im so happy this time has come for her again. She is an amazing mom and I learn alot from her! I love you Julie, and Jackson-- BIG BROTHER JACK!!!! I like it :) By the time her baby gets here her husband will almost he done with his apprenticeship... so its literally the most perfect timing ever. God  is Good! I ask all my readers (the few I have) to pray for her and the baby! Healthy growth for mommy and baby to be!!

Well, Thats all for now! As you can tell by the picture Sterling is going to be a Sea Otter for halloween! Im very excited for this and I cant wait to post more pictures! New Post to follow soon!

God Bless,

Friday, October 8, 2010

Overdue Update

       My life has been so HECTIC lately. It has been one thing after the other after the other.... Seriously... I need a vacation from Life. I have been trying to keep my head up, but its been so hard some days. Solution? Yes indeed! Anti-Depressants. Am I ashamed to talk about it? Heck no. I feel like a new woman. Literally. I was getting to where I wanted to sleep all day (of course I didnt) but I just never had energy. I dont want to be that mom that lays around and watches TV all day due to the lack of motivation. Everything in my life seemed to be falling apart. Work was hard, my marriage seems to be crumbling right before my very eyes... and I've been sick left and right, Sterling with ear infections...I HAD IT! I let it get the best of me and just shut down ...  and then the miracle pill came. Just gives me a tad bit of energy and Im ready to handle the day. I have been constantly in prayer also. The power of prayer is amazing... "Lord, Please give me the strength to get through the day, to be positive for my son, and patient with my husband." Repeat. and Repeat. This is where God carries me in the "footprints" poem. Laying down all my troubles to him has helped me get through the day. He is amazing like that :0)  When it gets really hard, I just remember that there is a bigger plan that I dont understand. Everyday is a day that he has made for me. Even when its hard, there is always something brighter waiting if I have him to follow. Who can be sad when you have a God that makes even the bad things seem so small?

What else is new? Sterling has been such a joy lately. Once we got the ear infections taken care of its been nothing but smiles and laughs from him. He is developing such a vibrant personality. There are times where we just sit there and giggle at each other. Those are the best times a mommy can have with her baby. Pure Joy. He reminds me alot of myself.... I wish so badly I lived closer to family at times like these. They would enjoy him so much right now, (well they would enjoy him period!) I could use them more than ever but this new inner strength that I didnt know I had... its been pretty good to me lately.

I feel like I should have so much to talk about, but I have kindof shut off my emotions the last few weeks to get by. I feel like I have alot to say but I just cant remember!!!

I will update more often, hopefully things start to look up soon!
God Bless,

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Winfield Bluegrass Festival

We are now back from camping for a little less than a week in Winfield, KS... What started off horribly ended so good.

We arrived on Tuesday evening. My dad was too tired to camp that night so we slept at his house in Oxford, Kansas, which is about 8 miles from Winfield. We got up the next day and loaded all the camping gear and headed out for what was supposed to be the start of an awesome weekend.

Wednesday night is when things went horribly wrong. We started out just hanging out, catching up with everyone, unpacking what seemed to be an entire house worth of stuff.... Then a friend Jake got a call from his kids stating that they were getting alot of bad weather and hail in a town nearby. Being the motherly being I am, I immediatly got out my phone and kept tabs on the radar, updating Jake on the storm. From what everyone could tell it was just going to miss us... So, we just sat outside and watched a storm pass us by. Within minutes the sky became black, the temperature changed to cooler weather... and lightening started.
The next thing I know a lightning strike hit really close to where we were. Everyone started yelling at me to get the baby in a truck where its grounded. Dads truck was locked, so I ended up taking him into a camper and waited. The wind picked up, and then the sirens sounded. I opened the door to the camper and looked at my dad and he said "Maude, get the baby in the truck now." We run for the truck, strapping Sterling into the middle with no car seat, (which totally freaked me out), and started trying to find a safe place. We started by driving around the campsite, looking for a covered place to park. Traffic was horrible, and trees looked like they were going to break in half. So, My dad decided it would be best to hit the road and run from it. On the radio we could hear them saying that Winfield has lost all power, and that the tornado was on the ground 5 miles north of us.... Dad drove the opposite way. I immediatly began praying as we tried to get out of the campsites traffic, people running in the road trying to find cover, cars trying to run to a safer place, it was a mad house. We finally got out and started heading for Ark City (which I later found out that Julie's saint husband had to go the next day to fix their power, those guys need praise, they work so hard!!!) God was really on my side,  because the moment I started praying, Sterling fell right to sleep. The skies got dark, the rain was falling sideways.... I was worried about everyone at the campsite. So many things were going through my mind. I immediately called Mike and told him to start praying, that I was scared we werent going to make it, and that I loved him. My dad kept trying to find a good radio station with updates, as we kept loosing signal due to power outages.
We finally got towards Ark city and you could see the blue sky ahead of us... but in the rear view it was dark as night.
When we took a different road to get to my dads house, you could see all the funnels. Luckily I had Julie, who lives on the other side of Wichita, texting me updates on the weather, telling me if we were clear where we were at. Gave me a huge peice of mind. We made it to my dads safely, thank God. But that was one of the scariest things I have ever been through.
After getting to dads I called around to try to reach people back at the campsite. Our friend Jake, bless his heart, stood out in the storm holding our tent up so we wouldnt loose anything. No one was hurt, no one had any damage. A couple of friends that lived near by had severe roof damage to their home, but other than that everyone was ok. Jakes kids made it through also.
As I laid down that night, I slept with Sterling in my arms, holding him so tight. I probably kissed him a million times and thanked God that he was still with me and that my dad protected us. It reminded me of when Sterling was 5 weeks, and we had a tornado out at Mike's dads farm. Sterling and I were down in the cellar, I covered him with a blanket, and hovered over him praying that God would keep us safe. I watched the ceiling tiles move, and out of the cellar window you could see what looked like hell had taken over. It lasted only a few minutes but it seemed like forever. When it was all done, we came upstairs, house still standing, unharmed. But a barn had collapsed, and our brandnew greenhouse that the entire family put so much work into was gone. It was devistating.
So, Sterling is my little tornado baby. One day Ill look back and tell him these stories, and about how he is a little survivor, and how his grandpas, Dean and my dad, were hero's on both of those terrifying days.

After that things were great. We went back out to the festival the next morning, and nothing was lost or ruined. We had alot of mud from a little flooding, but everyone worked really hard together and got everything cleaned up. Sterling had a hay day with that mud too! I think at one point he was covered from head to toe! My dad made Sterling a little covered wagon (which I would post pictures if someone could show me how...hint hint) and we just pulled him around as we looked at crafts, and listened to music. My dads girlfriend Judy came down from Texas. It was great to see her, and she was so wonderful with Sterling! I even got a little mommys night out and got hang out with friends and drink some champagne. I got a little carried away, but I had SO much fun.

Music was great, friends were even greater.... and I cant wait untill next year! Leaving was hard. Watching my dad cry as he said by to Sterling killed me. I hate being so far away. I think I cried almost all the way home.

So, thats the eventful story of our past weekend. I posted a video of some of the footage someone captured of all the tornadoes. I guess there were about 6 in the area. The hail  was 7.75 inches! Video is very neat to look at so take a gander!

Thats all for now. Back to the daily regular.
Hope all is well with everyone!

God Bless,

footage from our tornado

I found this video looking for cool pictures of the storm that we were in while camping out at Winfield,Kansas. This shows exactly what we saw, and sends chills down my spine! Another post to follow!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Counting Down

The Count down to Vacation begins! (acutally I have been counting down for a while now, but now that its getting closer Im getting WAY more excited!)
Every year my family has gone to a bluegrass festival in Winfield, Kansas. It has now become like a family reunion and its seriously always the highlight of my year. Not only do I get to see my family and friends, but I get to hear great music, enjoy lots of arts and crafts, is the big one this year.... relax!!!  This will be little Sterling's first year.... we didnt go last year due to him being so little and the scare of Swine Flu and big crowds... but my little music lover is going to have a blast this year! He is at the perfect age and I am so excited to introduce him to everyone. The best thing out of this whole vacation will be to see my daddy... (yes, I still call him daddy, and I probably will in my 90's) Having him and Ster-Fry together to me is priceless. Sterling is so much like him in so many ways.... I hate living so far from him, but I sure do charish the times we have together even more now. Michael wont be able to go because of school, but we will still have fun!
So, All in All.... IM READY to go!!!!

The past few weeks have been a little rough for me. Besides the last post with the TICK , I have had a sore throat, My hub and I got into an arguement (which doesnt happen often, so when it does my world stops) and then I havent been getting sleep. So today... I slept in after work, took extra vitamins, and I am determined to be on the up and up. I cant take it anymore!

Sterling is doing well. We had his 1st dental appt on Wednesday, (we had to for his daycare) and all was good, of course! Thursday we got his second hair cut, and he looks soooo much better! Then Friday we had Family day at his daycare- where I got nominated to be Chairman of the parent commitee! Kinda fun! Im like the PreK PTA mom! lol. Oh my gosh, to make the PTA mom thing even funnier, Mike and I went to look for cars, and this dealership guy asked me if I would be interested in a van.... I said, "well, I would love the space, but Im in Van Denial."... he convienced us to sit in one.... leather seats, moon roof, SO MUCH ROOM, auto doors, 3rd row seating.... Not gonna lie, we kinda fell in love. We are applying for it! Mike even liked it! HAHA! So, yep, I'm soccor mom in the making.... or how about baseball mom in training!!! I like it!

 Sterling has also been saying more and more every day. He is still saying alot of jibberish, but he tries to copy more of what mommy and daddy say. His favorite word is (very dramatically said) "oooohhhhhhh kay".
Its absolutly adorable. The Dog is "dockey' then he makes the sound dogs make when they are out of breath... hheeeh heeeh heeeh heehhhh.... there are more, but Ive got so much else on my mind I cant remember them all! Ill start writing them all down and updating you all!

Well, Thats all for now.
God Bless, 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

"ticked" off

What a week I have had so far. I have to tell you all the most interesting medical problem I have had thus far.

I have been having eye trouble with my left eye. It started about 2 weeks ago, just a little eye irritaion. I thought it was allergies and I noticed that when I wore my contacts it was worse. So, I've been wearing my glasses, and keeping my hands and eyes both free of germs just in case it was something other than that.
....... Doesnt get better. It gets worse. I'm walking around with a red, swollen eye, although no pain or itching I finally stop being stubborn and go to the eye doctor.

You would not believe what they found in my eye.......

........ a freakin Seed Tick.

I'm not even kidding. ATTACHED to my eye... small enough to be invisible to the naked eye, but under a microscope it there. I freaked out, asking "WHAT? HOW? HUH? ARE YOU SURE?" My doctor was in just as much shock as I was. What makes it even more discusting is that it was still attached, but it was Dead. I can honestly say I had a dead seed tick attached to the inside of my eye. That is Gross.
So, now Im on a heavy eye drop antibiotic just in case it was DISEASED (doctor said it like it was nothing, "we will put you on this just in case...") and a steriod to reduce the swelling and redness.

I am now paranoid. I feel like there are little seed ticks everywhere.
and Im sure those reading this are now paranoid too.... sorry for that, but thats the weirdest thing I have ever had happen to me.

Sterling has been doing really well in daycare. I drop him off, and he no longer cries. We have a really good routine now and things seem to be alot better for him while he is there. Family Day is next friday, so Im excited about that.

Well, I have lots to do, so I hope everyone has a great night and Ill update more later!
God Bless

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

God Speed Little Man....

So, Whoever is reading this, this might be a little emotional in the beginning but I promise to lighten it up!

Sterling woke up again, within an hour of being asleep, screaming and trembling. So, again I run in. Pick him up into my arms and begin to sway (as im standing) him back to sleep.
Back and Forth... Back and Forth. His eyes just going in and out...
So, I said to myself, sing to him. I havent had to really rock him in a while since he has been going to sleep on his own, and I had to think of what used to work for him.

1st song we sang in choir in high school, but the words are so beautiful I always told myself to sing it to my child... "Mother rocks you, Humbing lowly, Hush my dear one, go to sleep. Angels hover, ever nearer. Looking on your smiling face. I will hold you, close, unfold you, hush my dear one, go to sleep...."

It worked. Instantly. But by that point I was enjoying something that I have missed in so long. Holding my little man in my arms, watching him sleep, and singing him lullabies.

Next on the list- You are my Sunshine. My daddy used to sing that to me, Infact we still sing it together in harmony. I used to sing that when sterling was a baby and it was the only thing that could make him quiet.
Then I start tearing up thinking of how big he is, and how that really wasnt that long ago.

3rd Came- Jesus loves me. I refuse to let Sterling go to sleep without prayer....and in youth group we made up a more contemporary version of this song. I love to sing it, and its very soothing. Who doesnt want to hear that Jesus loves you? I know I love to sing it and lift him in praise!

Lastly, This one is the kicker.... God Speed (sweet dreams).
Here are the lyrics.

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings


Sweet dreams

If that doesnt make you tear up I dont know what will... My mom used to play this for my brother, and now that I have a child it has a whole new meaning.
I got to kiss my child to sleep, successfully lay him down without waking him, and come in here and ball.
I guess that what being a mommy is all about.

A few good notes:
  • WE FINALLY GOT RAIN! Holy crap have we been waiting on this or what! I couldnt stand to be outside anymore. Our grass is dead, its been awefully hott, and our weather man has been totally wrong for the past month! Thank God we finally have some rain. Our pour grass trees and plants have needed it. 
  • Sterling is the official owner of a potty. So far, he thinks the "pee blocker" is a toy that makes noise, and that the inside of the toilet bowl is a treasure chest for toys. We did get him on it once, but it was for a quick picture, then off. I just want him to slowly become comfortable sitting on it. When he is ready, He will tell us!
  • This may not sound good to start, but it gets better. Sunday night I was at work and started having horrible shakes, I was having a hard time catching my breath, and my heart was racing.... I thought that it was an anxiety attack, but it didnt feel like that... I thought maybe i needed to eat? nope....  I ended up going to to hospital, and they said that my potassium was horribly low. As many times as I have been to the doctor, no one has ever ever ever told me to watch my potassium. I didnt know! So I guess I was having something similar to a heart attack, but not. wow. Good news? Im not a person with heart attack history ( meaning im ok) and I have potassium pills to take which seem to be making a difference. 
  • Last one. Walnut Valley Bluegrass Festival is coming up. Im so excited. I get to take Sterling camping, enjoy friends and family and even go see Julie! Hopefully we can meet up in Wichita! If any friends have vacation time they can use I highly recommend coming! Its the 3 weekend in September in Winfield Kansas. 

Well, I better get to bed. 
Goodnight all..... and God Speed. :0)

Sunday, August 29, 2010


When I was little I used to have a problem having "night terrors".... I can still vividly remember waking up, in a dream, seeing all of my dream and reality around me at the same time. The last one I can remember from growing up was when I was living with my dad at about age 14. I had a dream I was in some sort of game, kinda like a video game only scarier, and there were these disks in the air that I had to jump to, or I would die. So, As Im sleeping I stand up on my bed and begin jumping on these disks... It sounds hillarious, and kindof is when I look back. But at the time it wasnt. My dad woke up and came into the room and asked me what I was doing. I told him I had to jump or I was going to die. He immediatly knew what was going on and went to fetch me some water. I followed. Only he walked down the stairs, and I jumped down the entire flight of stairs. I remember screaming at him asking him to take me to the hospital because I was so scared of dying. Shortly after, I woke up from the night terror, and calmed down and went to bed.  This is just an example of one I can remember, pretty vividly.

Sterling has woke up 2 times in the past month with nightmares. He wakes up screaming bloody murder, Michael and I run in, and he immediatly grabs on to us trembling. He did this for the second time last night. He just let me cuddle with him on the couch, barely moving for a half an hour.... and for those of you that know my son he is so high strung that doesnt happen often.

Im so terrifed that this is something somewhat genetic. I hope that he doesnt get this from me and that its normal for him to have nightmares. I just dont know what a 16 month old could be dreaming of that is scary?

We have another nightmare problem in our house also... Since Michael got home from Iraq he has nightmares of being back over there. Sometimes its just the little mumbling of words, asking me to go get the sniper riffle or telling me about his mission.... I always just wake up and answer him like Im there with him, hoping that he will just go back to sleep like normal. But then there are the times where he wakes up trembling, his entire body as if he is having a seizure, he will start crying and I will have to carefully try to wake him up. Just like Sterling, I hold him and wait untill he doses off to sleep. The 4th of July is the worst. Michael hears fireworks outside while we are sleeping and wakes up thinking he is in a war zone. So, while the United States is celebrating our Nations independance, Im worried to leave the man that Fought for our country at home alone while Im at work, in fear that he will wake up in terror and have no one here to comfort him. We can no longer enjoy the 4th of July like we used to. It has now become a dreaded holiday. Isnt it ironic? We are so proud to be Americans, So proud of my husbands fight for our county, So proud of the ones that we lost and the ones that made it home.... yet, we can't enjoy the one holiday that really represents that. As the wife of a soldier, I must admit, this is more than I bargained for, but Im so proud of him and I know that this is a small reprocussion of the sacrafises that they have made.“Those with the greatest awareness have the greatest nightmares.”  Mahatma Gandhi

Well, On a side note our family has had an aweful cold for over a week now. It has mostly affected Mike and Sterling, but The last few days its been a little rough on me. Im going to return to work today, (working my 12 hour shift) and hope that my voice stays in tact and that I can keep my energy levels up to par. Im going to go to the doctor on monday and see if she can perscribe us something.

Thats all for now. Off to go be SUPER MOM! Fighting Laundry and dishes, moping and dusting, one day at a time! Duh duh Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh! (super mom music).

God Bless,

Friday, August 27, 2010

My 1st Blog

So, Here it is... My first blog.

I have had 3 days to try and set this up, and its taken quite a bit to figure it out! Wish me luck! (Hopefully we will see some improvements in the next week or so!)
Well, Im starting this blog for the same reason My best friend Julie did... To leave a little story of my life behind for my son. I would love for him to look back and see what we have done together as a family... and I want to share it with my family and friends also.
My little boy Sterling is currently 16 months old... he is a little firecracker! Has mommys goofy personality, and daddys independance. My husband is Michael, he is a Veteran of the US Army, and is currently going to the University of Arkansas for a double major of Criminal Justice and Forensics. <- GO MIKE!
We have come a long way in our journey together as a family and I cant wait to see where the Lord takes us next!

With all that said, I will begin my 1st journal.
Sterling started Daycare, or as we call it "school" last week. He is doing really well. The first week it was tough, he cried alot, and didnt nap. But I think now we are finally starting to form a routine and he is doing better. The 1st day I dropped him off was hard, but it was the second week that was the kicker... As I'm driving to take him to the center, the radio was doing a theme on "back to school", playing all these songs, such as "butterfly kisses"- which gets me every time I hear it... and the tears started pouring down!
I managed to regather myself to drop him off, made it out the door and as I got back into my car, they began to read poems. One of them was in a childs point of view saying "mommy, im going to be fine" that one was good.... the next one was from the mommys point of view... and it started "dear world, please be kind to my baby".... just that alone made me ball. It was a gut wrenching poem, and as I drove home Im sure a million people were starring at me like "what is wrong with that lady?". I dont want him to grow up. I just want him to stay small and innocent forever. Sometimes I just watch him and wonder what kind of man he will be. Hopefully respectful, kind and loving towards others.... Mike and I joke and call him Pastor Sterling, (my way of trying to make him more holy or something) lol... but in all reality, My parents shaped me, and Its alot of pressure to make sure that we do the same. I know we will be fine, but its always on my mind. I always want whats best.

Michael going to school has been very interesting. I thought a baby changes a relationship, (as far as intimacy and "mommy daddy time") but now we have to designate "home work time" and "mommy needs a nap before work time"... I also work Midnights (from 10 pm to 6am) so the only nights we get to share the same bed are my nights off.... by then the two of us are so warn out! Its definitly a new experience for us, but we have been in way worse situations.  I always said that I wanted my kids like 2 years apart, but its starting to look like 4 years apart more and more each day. Sterling has been such a blessing to us, and Im ok with just having him for a few more years. With my job, I hear the worst of the worst stories of what happens to children. It makes me so Grateful for everything that we have. Sterling deserves the world, and Im going to do everything in my power to give it to him.

Well, Thats all for tonight. Im going to get ready for work, and catch up on other blogs before I go!

God Bless