Get me alone-- all I do is think.
Part of this might be from me PMSing, ugggghhhh, perfect timing mother nature! Part of this is just venting.
I think sometimes its easier for me to figure things out when I write them out.
I really am happy I have made the decision I have for Sterling and I. But holy crap, it is so hard! I'm picking up my life, giving up my home sweet home, and moving to a new place. Thank goodness its with an awesome friend- Jill... She just bought this amazing new home with her boyfriend (who is in Indonesia for four months, then home for one, back for four... and so on). So, Ill be paying her rent, and sterling and I will be sharing a room. I think this will be the best way for him to adjust.
Mike and I will be splitting up days. THIS KILLS ME. I feel like I never see my baby boy as it is. Now I have to drive from Lowell to Springdale to take sterling to daycare (its free so I'm not switching daycares!) and then to work in Rogers, then leave work at 130 to pick sterling up in Springdale by 2 (when the daycare closes), take him to his daddy, go back to work until either 5 or 9 pm, then go back to Springdale- pick Sterling up, and go to the house in Lowell. By the time I get home (on the nights I get off at 5) it will be so late, ill only be able to feed him and bathe time, say night night and prayers... and that's it.
Its a day of running around for me... Things are so hard for me, so convenient for him, yet He is the one who has made the mistakes. I will only see Sterling every other weekend- Which I'm doing for Sterling, not Mike. I'm trying to make this easy for our sweet child. *tears*
Next- Coming to terms that I have failed my marriage. I have to learn to forgive myself for things I couldn't get right, and learn to move on. Mike and I are currently living together for the holidays, to give sterling the best Christmas possible- and its horrible. We are barely speaking. I want to cry all the time. and poor sterling. Half the time I feel like a bad mom for working so much... then a bad wife for not helping more. If I don't work, we wont make money, when i work, I cant clean and be home more. No happy medium in our home. I just couldn't make him happy. That's the killer. It kills me to the core because I tried so hard. But at least I tried.
I'm terrified of change. Please pray for me. I'm having a really difficult time. I'm trying to do whats best for me, and what is best for sterling... but I'm so scared of screwing up or losing my child.
All I ask for is Prayer.