Get me alone-- all I do is think.
Part of this might be from me PMSing, ugggghhhh, perfect timing mother nature! Part of this is just venting.
I think sometimes its easier for me to figure things out when I write them out.
I really am happy I have made the decision I have for Sterling and I. But holy crap, it is so hard! I'm picking up my life, giving up my home sweet home, and moving to a new place. Thank goodness its with an awesome friend- Jill... She just bought this amazing new home with her boyfriend (who is in Indonesia for four months, then home for one, back for four... and so on). So, Ill be paying her rent, and sterling and I will be sharing a room. I think this will be the best way for him to adjust.
Mike and I will be splitting up days. THIS KILLS ME. I feel like I never see my baby boy as it is. Now I have to drive from Lowell to Springdale to take sterling to daycare (its free so I'm not switching daycares!) and then to work in Rogers, then leave work at 130 to pick sterling up in Springdale by 2 (when the daycare closes), take him to his daddy, go back to work until either 5 or 9 pm, then go back to Springdale- pick Sterling up, and go to the house in Lowell. By the time I get home (on the nights I get off at 5) it will be so late, ill only be able to feed him and bathe time, say night night and prayers... and that's it.
Its a day of running around for me... Things are so hard for me, so convenient for him, yet He is the one who has made the mistakes. I will only see Sterling every other weekend- Which I'm doing for Sterling, not Mike. I'm trying to make this easy for our sweet child. *tears*
Next- Coming to terms that I have failed my marriage. I have to learn to forgive myself for things I couldn't get right, and learn to move on. Mike and I are currently living together for the holidays, to give sterling the best Christmas possible- and its horrible. We are barely speaking. I want to cry all the time. and poor sterling. Half the time I feel like a bad mom for working so much... then a bad wife for not helping more. If I don't work, we wont make money, when i work, I cant clean and be home more. No happy medium in our home. I just couldn't make him happy. That's the killer. It kills me to the core because I tried so hard. But at least I tried.
I'm terrified of change. Please pray for me. I'm having a really difficult time. I'm trying to do whats best for me, and what is best for sterling... but I'm so scared of screwing up or losing my child.
All I ask for is Prayer.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
As this year comes to an end, I cant help but think about how it has gone, and how much we have all grown.
I personally feel like I have become more "Me" than ever. I am strong in my shoes, know what I want out of life, and I'm a damn good momma!
I look at my son and I think-- Did he really grow this fast? Where has the time gone? But he is just the most sweetest, loving, funny little handful I could've ever asked for.
This is the time to remember why we are all here. To be thankful for our families and friends. Christ was brought into the world so many years ago on Christmas day... and if he could look at the world now what do you think he would say? I personally strive to make him proud. I haven't been the best person, or wife that I know i could be, but i can say with confidence that I lived every day for him this year. I just ask that as you read this, take a moment and look at your life. Thank God for what you have. Sometimes the things that seem so big and overwhelming really are so small.
A lady at Hope Community church, in Springfield, Missouri told me something that has stuck with me. Especially now with my upcoming hard months:
She said "Honey, why do you worry? God has a BIGGER plan than you will ever know. Lay it all down to him. Stop worrying, and let him do his work. Just LAY IT ALL DOWN."
This was said to me from a lady I barely knew... My husband was going through treatment at the time for alcohol abuse, Sterling and I had no home- we were living house to house with friends... I had no idea what my future held or why I was even put in this position with a new born child. She had no idea what I was going through. At that moment in time I was scraping by, wondering how I was going to feed my child if I ran out of food stamps... or how I was going to buy diapers If i had no money. She didn't know-- but looked at me, said those words, and handed me $40.00. The next week at my woman's church group, all the girls had pitched in and bought diapers, wipes, food, clothes, and money. As I finally laid it all down, God took care of me. Those words spoke to me.... as I hope this story speaks to you.
Ever since then, I have worried less, and trusted more.
If I could wish anything for all of my family and friends it is for you all to do the same.
I wish you all the most Merry Christmas ever... and please remember why we celebrate this day!
Happy Birthday Jesus!
And of course-- a Blessed new year, happy beginnings and heartfelt endings.
I have had the awesome opportunity to read and enjoy this book. If you are a music lover, and a person who appreciates singing the word of God, I highly recommend this book!
To start of, the book is very well organised. It is a composition of songs, perfect for someone who sings gospel, plays piano or any other form of music- followed by a page of details about the history of the song. Have you ever thought about that? Where did this song come from? Who wrote it? Why did they write it? What does this song really mean? When was it written? This book helps you answer all of those questions.
I am personally a music buff... and I love singing praise and lifting up his name! With the holiday seasons that are approaching, I actually gave this book as a gift to a fellow Christian/ Music lover. Not only is it a great book for yourself, but I wanted to share it!
From now on when I sing these songs I will have a grater appreciation for them. I can tell a story about them, I can lift up the song and know why it was written, and I can have a greater appreciation for the artist who wrote them.
I'm very pleased with this book and really encourage anyone to read it!
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”